The Nice Girl: My Translation

For most of my adult life, people have referred to me as the nice girl. Sometimes it’s a compliment and other times it hasn’t been. 

Contrary to the negative assumptions put on me in the west, being a Nice Girl is one of the characteristics I like most about myself. It is a product of the lessons I learned from my Japanese and American heritages. In this blog post, I am going to translate what traits people in the west see in me and what they actually signify. 

Choosing my Moments

One of the biggest criticisms I get from westerners is that I am someone who acquiesces to the bigger personality in the room because I use my voice sparingly. I am here to say that I am not timid, I am just strategic.

From an East Asian perspective, living cohesively with others, practicing self-restraint, and self-reliance are attributes to be prized. In the west though, people tokenize us for these traits, referring to us as the model, privileged minority: obedient to social norms. This stereotype is harmful. It undercuts the real discrimination people of Asian descent still face when they try to navigate western infrastructure. 

To all those people: seeking to live in harmony with others does not mean I am submissive. I just know how to use my voice for a purpose, a skill that I have cultivated by combining my American and Japanese heritages. To maximize the impact of my words at a critical moment, I stay discreet when I know I have nothing to add. By doing so, my contribution carries more weight when it needs to count. 

Living my Life in Relation to Other People

After my employment in Japan, something I unconsciously integrated into my communication was sorry. In western cultures, an apology is often viewed as a concession, a sign of weakness. In Japan, sorry most of the time means no, but it is taking into account that this “no” might negatively impact you.

The essence of the Japanese mindset is that we live our lives in relation to other people. We know that words and actions impact other people, and we take that into consideration. I fully embrace this approach to the interpersonal.  When I used to say sorry, it was meant to be sign of my respect for the other person I was speaking to.

However, since learning about the correlation to weakness a sorry might convey, I have been searching for words and actions that convey the same intention. Through this exploration, I’ve learned that universal way to show my respect in any culture is gratitude and affirmation.

Leading with Compassion and Affirmation

Another thing people have said is that I dole out a lot of affirmation, with little to no criticisms. That is a very intentional choice. 

Throughout my teenage years, my experience in Japan showed me that the downside of harmony and cohesiveness is that a divergence from homogeneity is sometimes approached with hesitancy and in some cases outright xenophobia. Unfortunately this phenomenon is not unique to me. It is something that other bi-racial Japanese people and multi-generational immigrants to Japan remark on themselves.

If it had not been for my Japanese family, I would not be at peace with my relationship with Japan. My Japanese family helped me to embrace my Japanese identity by curating opportunities to learn with them and affirming me when I faced rejection.

Because of this experience, I always lead with compassion, because I know people just want to be seen and understood. If I give criticisms, I think carefully about the words I choose and making sure that they add value. I want to advance development, not retract from it. Then I give my feedback empathetically and provide guidance.

Bottom Line

Throughout my life, people have sometimes defined me based on their context, but my character is a culmination of so much more than the culture they know me in. Instead of superimposing their world view onto me, I invite these individuals to understand me on my terms. That is the essential ingredient of authentic inclusivity- a willingness to expand your worldview to wholistically understand someone else.

I make the conscious choice to be a nice girl every single day, because I know that I do not need to diminish or overpower other people to get what I want.

If anything, I succeed more when I am conscientious of myself and the people around me. What brings me the most joy is uplifting and creating space for others. By acting in this manner, I hope to contribute to making the world a more empathetic, open-minded place.