Like Mother, Like Daughter
Over the years, people have told me that my mother wounded me because she moved back to Japan during my adolescence. I bought into that narrative for a long time, mostly because I did not give the subject enough thought.
It was not until I moved to Japan for work, that I was finally able to articulate my feelings about my mom. Is she perfect? No, but she is a bold, visionary, and mission-oriented person. I am proud of her.
Now that I am married to a man who has permanently added a third nationality to my life, I realize that my mom and I are in the same position. In this blog, I am going to talk about how being multinational has impacted both of our lives.
My Adolescent Truth
While I felt my mother’s absence, I enjoyed a privileged family life during my teenage years. I spent most of my time being my Aunt’s sixth daughter. My cousins were the coolest women I knew and I took such pride in being a part of their crew. My dad encouraged all of my passions and my American grandparents were present at all major life events. Every season there was a family reunion planned. I never felt neglected in my family life thanks to these people.
My biggest adolescent concerns in the US were how much bullying I was going to have to endure from relentless boys at school and how much more I could tolerate of male teachers turning a blind eye while they tried to instill in us a moral imperative to “do the right thing.”
My Entrepreneurial Mom
While she was away, my mom made a tangible difference in Japan. She was present for marriages, births, and deaths. She provided end of life care to my grandmother who was battling Dementia and Colon Cancer, fulfilling the essential role eldest daughters play for their families in Japan.
In addition to being present for her family, my mom founded two businesses, which included ventures in the Middle East, Thailand, the United Kingdom, and creating a commercial platform for female artisans in Japan.
I am not comfortable with all these accomplishments being overlooked because she was away from me, because what she accomplished in Japan as a woman was groundbreaking.
The Reality of Multinational Women: A Plea for Empathy
Multinational women like my mother and I lead nuanced lives. While starting ventures in our adopted countries, our responsibilities in countries of origin remain unchanged. As a result, our decisions have implications for so many other people than ourselves. Marriage and children only further compound the effect of our choices.
For me, it often feels like I am leading different lives, because my three worlds rarely interact. The onus has always been on me to assimilate to my countries of origins, rarely the other way around.
However, because my mother and I have never asked for reciprocity from our adopted or native countries, I think our detractors forget that we only have one body, our resources are limited, and we are doing the best we can to fulfill cross-national obligations.
If this is truly the age of celebrating and embracing diversity, I’d like to know that women like my mother and I will be seen and understood holistically before being judged.
Bottom Line:
I write this story not to diminish well-intentioned people. From my own experience, I know it takes revelatory moments and ongoing education to understand our blind spots. Let this piece be a gentle encouragement to investigate how your lived experience shapes blind spots and biases.
I also ask that you not use someone else’s story to advance your narrative, particularly if that person is of diverse origins.
I am a very privileged individual. My mother’s path made it possible for me to have more than one mom figure. I genuinely cannot think of any greater blessing than that.
Therefore, I am deeply uncomfortable being a tool to advance a narrative that does not reflect my truth.
Culture aside, people are not perfect. It’s a choice to acknowledge someone else’s humanity and assess them from a deficit or abundance mindset.
