Women of a Certain Age
“It will be your turn to be a mother next.”
That was the response from a friend I recently congratulated on becoming a parent. While that reply makes me uneasy, it is unfortunately not new since I’ve entered my thirties.
For a subject as intimate as deciding to have children, I think women of a certain age can universally agree that they have been the recipients of explicit and implicit messaging about the urgency to have children.
In this blog post, I am going to talk about why and how we can avoid this gendered language.
Maternity Thirty
I am going to start by saying that motherhood does appeal to me. It’s just that entering my 30s means so much more to me than possibly becoming a mom.
On a personal level, leaving my 20s has meant liberation from caring what people who don’t have my best interest in mind think. I’ve never been more content with the person that I am.
On a professional level, entering my 30s has included earning a Masters Degree, learning my fifth language, and testing out new competences in the workspace.
At 31 years old, there are so many more interesting things about me other than my fertility.
And yet..
Potential employers take my marital status and age into consideration in the application process
A classmate remarks that because I am nice, I’ll be a good mother.
A drunk acquittance taps my stomach and says “is anyone in there?”
Traits such as transparency, compassion, and a sense of humor are being used to box me into an identity I am not fully comfortable with. I know I am not alone in that feeling.
With this reality in mind, how can we all be better allies to women of a certain age? Here are some tips.
Avoid Unsolicited Input
Women of all ages are too often recipients of questions they do not want to answer or input they did not ask for. The truth is most women become diplomats out of necessity. It takes calculation, patience, and energy. Please do not drain our bandwidths.
Respect for Choice
I know a lot of women who choose not to have children because they’re unwilling to jeopardize their hard-earned professional gains. I relate to this 100%.
I have a legitimate fear that I will not find an employer who will create space for me to be a mother and a leader in the workplace. I am afraid to ask the question when I apply for jobs, lest it disqualify me automatically.
So what is the solution? Unless you have an answer for women who fit this category, please allow us to make a decision that will radically change our personal and professional lives in private.
At Minimum, Refrain out of Compassion
Not all women and their partners are blessed with fertility. I know couples and single women who did everything in their power to have a child. For each of them, realizing that there would be no biological baby to welcome was a deeply painful realization that took time adjusting to.
Some people choose to adopt. Some people have the means to find a surrogate. Some just settle into their lives without children. Either way, that decision took real work. Please honor that work by not bringing up the baby question.
The Bottom Line
Every time you explicitly and implicitly bring up the time crunch to have a child with a woman, you are reinforcing the stigma that a woman’s value is intrinsically tied to motherhood.
Instead of conveying to women what they should be doing when they are of a certain age, let’s celebrate all the milestones they’ve hit. Let’s talk openly and loudly about women’s accomplishments, evolution, and skills.
By doing so, we will have to do two things:
Undo gendered language that disproportionately impacts women
Allow women to fully grow into the future that they have chosen for themselves.
