Adapting for a Relationship Abroad
In my last post, I talked about how I manage the “what ifs?” that comes with living abroad. As a compliment to that post, I wanted to talk about why I continue to live abroad. The why is unoriginal. I met my husband.
The most simple way of describing my husband’s effect on me is stillness. He has a thoughtful, practical approach to life that helps me to find solutions in complex situations. From the beginning, I found his quiet confidence and intelligence refreshing and grounding.
Through a combination of his character and our shared interest in living abroad, he put an end to my restlessness. When he told me that we should get married to immigrate as a family to Germany, I said yes. We signed a marriage certificate in city hall and prepared for our first big adventure.
Little did we know that this move would test our very young marriage. In this blog post, I am going to talk about how we make our relationship in a foreign country work.
Veer Away From the Deficit Mindset
Moving to Germany required a lot reframing of our expectations and mindset. Aside from culture shock, our roles had changed in ways we had not anticipated. My husband had become our primary source of income as I struggled to find a job. On a personal level, realizing my prospects were limited was a huge blow to my confidence.
The reality was we’d both given up some of our individual freedoms to make our marriage in Germany work. Some days, I couldn’t help but count all the sacrifices we made and be disheartened by how much we’d foregone by moving.
What I learned is to honor those sacrifices but also not give them too much power. Instead I try to focus on what I do have, and how I can use these tools to try to get back to where I want to be.
Individuals who work in Unison
Perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned is to not lean heavily on my partner in unfamiliar territory. If I gave into this tendency, I would not feel like my gains were self-generated. Therefore, while we like doing most things as a unit, we actively engage with activities that have nothing to do with one another.
I take pride in knowing that I’ve built something without a foundation and my partner’s help in this country. He enjoys the freedom to do what he wants with his time. Ultimately behaving as individuals who work in unison has translated into a more respectful relationship.
Bottom Line
In my experience, relationships in foreign environments require a lot of adaptation. That being said, it has been worth it. In part because of our individual and collective evolution, but also because I am constantly reminded of what a quality human being my partner is.
Ultimately, this experience has reinforced lessons I try to carry over into all facets of my life, which include:
Sometimes it’s necessary to give ground for the bigger cause
Be willing to evolve in ways you did not expect
Keep a sense of humor and open-mindedness about the daily grind
